Thursday, August 25, 2016

Ah, Christmas, that wonderful time of year when brightly-wrapped gifts under the twinkling tree contain treasures untold.

As I see it, the problem with writing is obvious: all the good lines are taken. If there was any justice in the world I would open this column about 2006 with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Each holiday season brings certain traditions that are unavoidable. For instance, at some point in December, you're going to turn on the radio and hear The Royal Guardsman singing the Snoopy vs.

They say money is the root of all evil, but when it comes to modern gifting that's not even remotely true.

As news of Tickle Me Elmo's drug bust sped across the wire, there was only one conclusion that could be drawn from the tragedy: clearly sesame seed is a gateway drug.

Look, I don't want to alarm anyone, but last week was Thanksgiving. How did that happen? It seems like only yesterday, I was first perusing the Christmas holiday decor alongside the Fourth of July merchandise.

If there is anything to be learned from the third grade it is that I have long suspected, but only recently proven, that teachers go into the educational profession not because they love children, but rather, because they hate parents.

Look, I don't want to frighten anyone but it should be noted that the chills and thrills of Halloween have not, in fact, been put behind us.

I think it was the moment that the other team was performing advanced calisthenics - deep squats, knee bends, push-ups - prior to the game while our team was happily engaged in an impromptu rendition of "the chicken dance," that I sized up the situation and came to one inescapable conclusion: we were going to get creamed.

I was at the checkout magazine rack, too cheap to buy, yet eager to learn how Angelina Jolie is going to balance celebrity, saving the world, motherhood and photo ops.
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