Saturday, August 27, 2016

The most common misconception in America today is that criminals are crafty, cunning and smart. In reality, I think most people turn to a life of crime because they are just too stupid to do anything else.

They are to stand in three (almost) straight lines on the shiny wooden floor. Tennis shoes screech loudly in that nails-on-chalkboard yet oddly satisfying way that they sometimes do on gymnasium floors, as 46 feet swivel into position.

I know this is a column about life and all the funny little things that can happen when living it. I hope you generally enjoy it.

I am the mother I warned myself about. In all those blissful early years of having children (babies, really), I had big plans to do very little.

If a wall is going to fall on me (and it's generally safe to assume it WILL), then you would think that at the VERY least, something valuable could fall with it.

He is wanted for transgressions against humanity. His alleged crime spree includes such offenses as touching, being "weird," "totally annoying" and, on occasion, "looking at me funny.

Giving new merit to the term "fashion police," baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thong underwear would be illegal under a proposed amendment to Atlanta's indecency laws.

I have probably bored you at length with my battles with bats, which are far more plentiful this summer than at any other time in memory.

It seems to me to be patently unfair that firsts get all the fanfare - first step, first love, first kiss.

I firmly believe that two of the most daunting - albeit well-intentioned - statements in the English language are thus: "When God closes a door, He opens a window" and "God has a plan.
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