Tuesday, October 25, 2016

It's that time again. Time for the annual "How I shall completely revamp my life in the New Year" passel of lies we all pass off as "resolutions.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you and, more horrifyingly, found underneath your Christmas tree.

It has come to my attention that parents, particularly at this time of year, spend a lot of time worrying themselves silly over one thing and one thing only, a concern so deep it literally wakes them from a sound sleep, apoplectic over some concern relating to: Santa.

A Romanian tried to lodge a complaint with consumer protection officials after his girlfriend refused to marry him.

Few things strike greater fear in the parental heart than these: parent-teacher conferences. Highly educated adults, captains of industry, even veterans of foreign wars can be reduced to puddles of insecurity at the very prospect of conferring with their child's teacher.

For years, the great philosophers of the world have told us people can be divided into two basic groups: the Day After Thanksgiving Shoppers and rational human beings.

I have nothing against Thanksgiving. Really. Any holiday that has pie as its main export is all right with me.

From the moment I held my firstborn son in my arms, I realized, almost instantaneously, that this wild, wonderful, unpredictably joyous journey I had only just begun would, in the blink of a moment, lead to my own planned obsolescence.

As if we needed further proof that celebrities are, in fact, pure evil, we have Gwyneth Paltrow nattering on in a recent issue of The British Mirror: "(Having a baby) changed the way I see the world,'' she told a reporter.

How does that old song go? Send in the clowns
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