Just when you think it’s safe to pre-purchase a wedding gift, now comes the startling announcement that Barbie and Ken (of Mattel doll fame and a rock-solid couple since 1961), are splitting up.
Big news. Not since the breakup of Nicole and Tom, Justin and Brittney, or Janet Jackson and her brassiere has there been such earth shattering news on the celebrity front.
Although, truth be told, more than one anonymous “friend” of the couple (OK, it’s was that witch, Skipper) has pointed out rather cattily that 43 years was a ridiculously long engagement, even by Ben and J. Lo standards.
Finding themselves. Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, reports that Barbie and Ken feel it’s time to spend some quality time apart “finding themselves.”
Based on my own recall of Barbie and Ken, I would suggest the first place they try finding themselves would be under the bed. That’s always a good bet for those two.
Quick to stem the tide of fan angst, Arons assured a stunned nation that the couple will remain friends.
Never mind that Barbie has claimed a host of “friends” over the years, many of whom disappear without a backward glance from Babs or her growing entourage.
Has anyone seen “P.J.” (blond, pink miniskirt, peace symbol belt) since about 1969? I thought not.
Putting up with Ken. Granted, Barbie has put up with a lot from Ken over the years. During their 43-year engagement Barbie has held careers from rock star to astronaut.
Meanwhile Ken, as near as we can tell, has been a surfer, and a guy who looks good – if a bit stiff – in a tux. He’s the Kato Kaelin of the doll world.
Coupled with the many false starts down the aisle, this could only be an embarrassment to the always-a-brain-surgeon/beauty queen-never-a-bride Barbie.
How many weddings (and wedding gowns) has Barbie had to endure with a groom who half the time only crawls out of his shoebox in swim trunks long enough to miss his own wedding?
A girl – even a Barbie girl – can only take so much!
Drowning her sorrow in mass accumulation of thousands of little accessories (some so miniscule they are not visible to the naked eye), Barbie has sought to bolster her own flagging self-esteem.
Poor thing. We can only pity this unfortunate wretch of a 45-year-old woman with the body of a 17-year-old supermodel, Dolly Parton’s bust, effortlessly perfect hair every day of her life, and a wardrobe to die for.
Indeed, to better reflect her newly single status, Barbie has gone “Californian” and will wear board shorts, a bikini top, hoop earrings, and have a deeper tan. A classic mid-life crisis.
Ken, it is reported, may go hog wild and begin parting his plastic hair on the opposite side.
Who keeps what? As Barbie is clearly the breadwinner in this engagement, it is unclear at this time if Ken is eligible for palimony. At issue is whether Ken will get custody of any of the numerous pets Barb owns (including stables, at least one veterinary clinic, and an entire pet shop); or will retain use of any of the many town homes, convertibles, spas, or private jets.
Seeing as how Barbie has also been a lawyer and a Supreme Court judge – it’s not looking good for our boy Ken.
His only hope may be to come up with some photos of Babs in a compromising position with G.I. Joe or a few Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures.
Something tells me that like celeb gals everywhere, our plastic beauty will come out on top.
Don’t be surprised if we soon see “cast off Ken.” He will own nothing more than old swim trunks and live with the dust bunnies under a bed or, if Barbie is feeling particularly generous, in a converted shoebox.
Moving on. Fortunately for Ken, as an experienced trophy boyfriend of 43 years, he’s completely used to this treatment. Better yet, if he’s looking for another long engagement that goes absolutely nowhere, we hear J. Lo’s available.
(Kymberly Foster Seabolt believes that Barbie and Ken could still work things out. She welcomes comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 38, Salem, OH 44460.)