In the annals of all things wrong in history, you have your high water marks: the black plague, wars among nations, The Bachelor, and snow days.
As a mother of two preschool age children, I only recently came to understand the truth about snow days. Days that rapidly dissolve from “ooh boy some fun!” to “who says a -27 wind chill is too cold? Put on another scarf and don’t stand in one spot too long, you’ll be fine!”
These are the days when cabin fever can set in within the half hour and a parent, driven to the brink of insanity, is forced to perform increasingly bizarre and torturous acts. Like giving a 3-year-old finger paints.
As a community-minded spirit, I think it’s only fair to give children a guide to commonly accepted snow day etiquette:
The refrigerator game. Open and close the refrigerator door every few minutes while whining, “There’s nothing to eat!”
This game is best played while surveying over $400 worth of groceries.
Variations of this game include the cupboard game and the “I know where mommy hides the premium ice cream behind the frozen spinach” game.
The sibling solution. This is a great one. Reduce your otherwise sunny and cheerful sibling into a quivering mass of insecurity, sniffles, and screaming through a stunning array of trickery, torture, and if necessary, tickling.
My 5-year-old recommends this highly, stating, with the air of complete authority that makes up a firstborn: “You are not a member of this fambly. So there!” thus ensuring that his 3-year-old sister, the perennial sucker for such propaganda, will come absolutely unglued.
The aim here is to take an otherwise happy sibling or sibling(s) and whip them into such a frenzy that they want only to retreat to mommy’s lap for solace.
When this happens, be sure to scream loudly that mommy has ALWAYS loved them more and throw a giant tantrum. Repeat as needed.
It’s s-no-w fun. A perennial favorite. Insist that you want to go out and play.
Have mommy bundle you up in varying layers of inner, middle, and outerwear until only the tip of your nose and eyelashes are visible. Take two steps out into snow and announce with urgency, “I hafta go to the bathroom!”
Time how fast it takes mommy to unwrap, unsnap, and unzip.
Variations of this game include, “The dog ate my mitten,” in which you consistently lose one of each and every mitten or glove you own.
This game is best played when parents HAVE to be somewhere and bonus points are awarded if parents are running late.
Question the universe. Begin day early with a thirst for knowledge that can’t be quenched. Start with where does snow come from, and why, and how.
Repeat these three phrases in reference to every and anything from clouds to dryer lint.
See how mommy’s jaw gets tighter and sentences shorter as day progresses. Count how many times “Because I said so!” comes into play.
Snow: It’s the cleanest four-letter word around, but that doesn’t make it any more respectable.
(Kymberly Foster Seabolt wants to find that groundhog and throttle him. She welcomes suggestions c/o P.O. Box 38, Salem, OH 44460 or email@example.com.