(Authors note: Names and locations have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent and any resemblance to anyone living or annoying is purely coincidental.)
That mumbo jumbo out of the way, let’s just say that, hypothetically speaking, our 5-year-old daughter might have reported to us recently that for three days running a certain boy who shall remain nameless in her new kindergarten class was picking on her.
The Bully. On day one the little darling told a mutual friend not to play with her because “girls can’t be trusted.” He’s 5 and already he has issues?
On day two he told her he hated her voice and didn’t like her hair.
On day three he allegedly put glue in her ear.
According to veteran mothers I spoke to for advice, this kid either likes her or he’s a young Ted Bundy in the making – slowly stalking his victim and working up to greater acts of aggression.
Being the fine, upstanding and very nearly sane adult that I am, I did what any rational parent would do: I spent the weekend concocting elaborate revenge fantasies against a 5-year-old child.
Could I realistically teach my own child to tie her shoes in time to instruct her to tie his together?
Let me take a moment to concede that normal people would have let it go.
Rational mothers. Rational mothers would have comforted their children and, perhaps, let loose that age old wisdom “boys will be boys” or, in a pinch “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Crushing words. That last patently untrue and really, someone should sue the guy who came up with it. Words do hurt.
I had no idea how much until my own precious child was on the receiving end of nasty ones.
I was crushed.
Suffice to say that unlike normal people, no one bears a grudge with quite the finesse I can.
Fortunately, I was not without recourse. I am (cue the super hero music) a playground monitor!
I am also a lunch assistant and work in the library – thus neatly completing the Nerd trifecta.
This, ahem, hypothetically affords me the chance to get a good look at the defendant