“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”
— Jacqueline Kennedy
I realize that parenting is forever a “work in progress.” Even when our children have officially reached adulthood, can we ever really break our own arms patting ourselves on the back?
I like to say that ours are/were “pretty good kids” or, at the very least, excellent criminals who never got caught? Now that the statute of limitations on any high school hijinks has run out, I’m chalking it up as a win.
It is the win of my life and makes my day if someone reaches out for advice, counsel or just a listening ear. I recently had someone send a message that simply said “your opinion means a lot. You were always someone I liked and you have such nice kids. Who wouldn’t look up to you?”
That’s it. I can retire happily now. I think being told I have “such nice kids” might be the pinnacle of success by my measure.
At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all, how did we get here? I am by no means an “expert” on parenting. What I am is someone who spent two decades repeating, “I am not raising CHILDREN, I am raising future adults.”
I read the above-referenced Jacqueline Kennedy quote long before I began parenting, and that kept me focused. Our parenting goal was always to create humans who would, one hopes, be functioning, kind and capable members of society. The physical needs of a comfortable home, more than enough sleep and nutritious food being met is really only the beginning.
Respect
To me, a key to this end is teaching children proper respect for themselves and others. I understand wanting to feed their souls and create “strong” and “outspoken” humans, but I fear some of that has been mistaken for allowing rudeness and a lack of civility go unchecked. May we all return to teaching skills such as not interrupting, the difference between inside and outside voices and the skill of properly addressing adults.
I’m GenX and fully a native of a northern state, and our GenZ offspring grew up speaking respectfully to adults. Teachers and any other adults were Mr. or Mrs./Miss Last Name. I grew up with the same standards and well into adulthood.
There are adults from my childhood who said, “oh just call me Ann.” I assure you I cannot.
In our family, close adults were “Miss/Mr. FirstName.” Such as “Miss Jodi.” Our 8-year-old and an adult were not peers, and no, he/she would not be blurting out “Hey, Stacy” to an adult.
Saying “please” and “thank you” are similar skills that need to be polished to a fine shine. We aren’t born with a default setting for civility. Adults should be modeling that behavior and many offspring will generally follow suit.
As adults, we need to be the change we want to see in the world. This means putting our phones away while driving, at dinner and anytime people are speaking directly to us. We should not be on mobile phones while interacting with others in non-emergency situations. It’s rude. Giving attention, with eye contact, to someone when they are speaking to you should be the go-to for all civilized humans.
I think we need a return to etiquette in general. There is, in fact, a resurgence of etiquette “classes” as a whole. Thank goodness. We can’t all have a well-bred great-grandmother to whip us into shape after all. There is no shame in seeking assistance in such arts as dressing in appropriate attire when going out in public. Learning how to dress is a symbol of your own self-respect. Opening doors for one another and thanking someone when this courtesy is extended to us is key. We must learn how to have a conversation with somebody and entertain opinions that are not one’s own without getting ugly.
Manners are about teaching not just etiquette itself, but why it is important. This is not a matter of conforming or fitting in, but a matter of respect for oneself and conducting oneself appropriately when around other people. Save the slouching around in your pajamas for in-home use. Consider taking the time to send handwritten notes. Pitch in and be helpful. If food is being prepared or served, or work is being done, ask how you can assist.
This mindset is often dismissed as “fussy” or “old-fashioned,” but we need our young humans to know how to behave in social situations. I’m going to say this as gently as possible: not everyone finds our children as unconditionally delightful as we might. It is never fair (to them) to allow children to behave as if they are feral.
