I am making it a key point of my life to never have my life story narrated by Keith Morrison. That’s why I refuse to light up the room. Room lighting with your mere presence is a surefire way to end up murdered as near as I can tell. I stopped lighting up rooms years ago.
Being “beautiful inside and out” is also risky. For my own personal safety, I am choosing to be lackluster and forgettable.
It is reported that 84% of Americans consume true crime content. True crime productions are a multi-billion dollar industry. Keith Morrison, if you are not aware, is one of the greats in this genre. He is known for his deeply timbered voice which he uses to explain the variety of ways one can go missing and/or end up murdered.
As an avid consumer of true crime programs and podcasts, here is what I have learned about how to not get murdered.
Risk. I am already at high risk because we live in an area where “everyone knows everybody” with an added dose of “things like this never happen.” If my true crime category consumption has taught me anything, it is that those regions are EXACTLY where crime happens. Fortunately, I do think we have moved past “people don’t even lock their doors.” We definitely do. Otherwise it’s just an obvious death trap.
Cities are obviously dangerous but then again so are small towns that “never see a murder.” They all but imply that they have not seen a murder … yet. That’s just a sure sign they are about to! Don’t let it be you.
Always stay with a group, unless someone in that group has a secret that they would “kill to keep.” Then all bets are off. In this vein don’t ever be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Only go to the right places at the right time. Obviously.
If you are female, don’t ever try to be a woman who, “from the outside, looked like she had it all.” On that note, don’t be loved by everyone and, at least once in your life, hurt a fly. Grainy video of yourself blowing out birthday candles or waving merrily to the camera, completely unaware of your fate, is another sign you might just end up in a ditch.
Don’t ever be a devoted wife, mother, or aunt. Ditto being described as “an amazing mother” or “fiercely loving her kids.” Perhaps we should aim for “middle of the road wife” and “world’s okayest mom” just to stay on the safe side.
Men should avoid being a “pillar of your community.” The more volunteer work and general “do gooding” you do the more at risk you are. Do not give anyone “the shirt off your back.” Only the good die young and all. Do not ever have ordinary days. Murder always seems to happen on an ordinary day. If you wake up on “a day like any other day” WATCH YOUR BACK. That’s when they get ya.
Other sure ways to end up on a murder documentary are to have a marriage or relationship that is “the envy of everyone.” You are just asking for a narrator to state, ominously, “but behind closed doors …” When it comes to murder, the culprit it seemingly always the spouse. Male or female. The spouse is the FIRST suspect, always.
I’m currently in the market for life insurance for Mr. Wonderful and I. Since murder statistics have already taught us that most marriages end in mayhem, missing persons and murder (allegedly), I have concerns. I’ve tried to leave a clear paper trail of how clumsy I am so that if I should perish in some mishap of my own choosing, Mr. Wonderful doesn’t end up wrongfully accused. Will the mere act of shopping for life insurance make me a suspect?
Meanwhile, a dear friend recently assured me that I am like a ray of sunshine. This sent shivers down my spine. I think it might be over for me. #Stay dim. Stay alive.
