Fashion platform: Ugg-ly fads should end

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I have a limited fashion sense due to one minor detail: I’m not six-foot-nine and the weight of a Q-tip.
Despite not being a “supermodel” (do they get a cape and tights with that title, by the way?), and even though my fashion sense rivals that of an eccentric recluse, I still consider myself qualified to write a column on fashion.
Mainly because I have never worn socks with sandals.
This, everyone knows, is easily the No. 1 fashion violation.
Fashion fatalities. Drug dealers ruin people with heroin or crack. Fashion editors do it with capri pants, peasant blouses and low-rise shorts that barely pass for belts.
As a result, I have noticed many annoying fashion trends that need to be dealt with immediately, even if the only solution is capital punishment.
In no certain order, I shall now detail what I have scientifically termed “trends that need killin’.”
Ponchos: Women love the poncho because it is simple, comfortable and, apparently, because they just really need something voluminous to accessorize a sombrero?
Uggs fuzzy boots: This brand of ridiculous-looking sheepskin boots – often worn in the summer with sundresses – is further evidence that women have finally realized it’s not their shoes men are looking at.
For this reason, women everywhere have decided to wear the most comfortable footwear possible, even if this means embracing Eskimo fashion.
You say “Uggs,” I say no matter how you skin it, it’s still a 1980s “moon boot” with fur.
Men and dogs. Pink on men: Traditionally, whenever a person sees a man wearing a pink shirt in public, he or she logically deduces that “someone” washed the whites with the colors again.
But today, pink shirts on men are common. This, however, does not make it right.
I blame the “metrosexual” movement for allowing men everywhere to appear complete effeminate, at worst, and laundry-challenged, at best.
Is this really a goal to aspire to?
Canine clothing: You would think I would have enough ammunition to hold my ire to human fashions but alas, no. Canine clothing is as widespread a problem.
A simple search on the Internet returns over 100,000 pages featuring clothes for dogs.
Especially troubling is the advice to “outfit your babies with the finest in doggie fashion” in clothing lines that “consist of the top designers in the canine fashion world.”
This raises a serious area of concern – to whit: There are people whose actual profession – their life’s work – is being a FASHION DESIGNER FOR DOGS!
Their parents must be so proud.
I support no article of clothing on a dog and cite as proof the fact that my own dogs may be ill-mannered heathens, but aren’t gauche enough to be caught anywhere near an “I love my mommy” polar fleece hooded sweatshirt, cheerleader outfit, tutu, or pirate costume.
And, neither one of them would be caught dead in Uggs – I’m not sure they’d even deign to eat them.
Campaign against clothes. I firmly believe that if we can kill off the aforementioned style trends, we might end the distraction of really bad fashion.
Thus, we can finally make significant strides in more pressing matters, such as the eradication of hunger and world peace.
More importantly, we can get to work on sentencing all those people who wear socks with sandals.
(Kymberly Foster Seabolt is also completely against tiny handbags. She welcomes comments c/o kfs@epohi.com; P.O. Box 38, Salem, OH 44460; or http://userweb.epohi.com/~kseabolt.)

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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