Ifs and buts, candy and nuts


‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House nothing was stirring but Rep. Tom “T-Bone” Maxilla.
A butcher by trade, T-Bone was using the empty House chamber to put his enemies and the native tongue through the meat grinder.
Only Phil Sensi, a rookie representative from Idaho who sat in the Speaker’s chair, and six somnolent Americans, delivered via C-SPAN, looked on as Maxilla droned on.
Before we go. “And furthermore, Mr. Chairman,” foamed T-Bone in a voice as raw as a pound of fresh brisket, “before this Congress skedaddles outa’ here to holiday hearth and home, it should take note of an ominous, new report about to be issued by the American Farm Bureau.”
Sensi, signing letters on the dais, suddenly looked up. Did the old bloviator say Storm Nero, the former weather forecaster now senator from Utah, or did he say Farm Bureau?
“According to the Farm Bureau,” continued T-Bone

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Alan Guebert was raised on an 800-acre, 100-cow southern Illinois dairy farm. After graduation from the University of Illinois in 1980, he served as a writer and editor at Professional Farmers of America, Successful Farming magazine and Farm Journal magazine. His syndicated agricultural column, The Farm and Food File, began in June, 1993, and now appears weekly in more than 70 publications throughout the U.S. and Canada. He and spouse Catherine, a social worker, have two adult children. farmandfoodfile.com