I’m just million dollar dull

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money

We’ve all heard the old saying that the lottery is simply a voluntary tax on people who are bad at math. Having a better chance of being hit by an asteroid than winning notwithstanding, who hasn’t played the “if I won a million dollars” game?

Granted, I would have to FIND a winning lottery ticket since I don’t know that I have purchased one in my life. I mean I might wake up and discover I have accidentally won the lottery. I might also go for a nice long run. The odds are about the same.

But the fun is not in the purchase of a ticket. The fun is in imagining how blessed and wonderful life would be if we suddenly had an influx of cold, hard cash.

Private jet? Private island? Premium ice cream? The sky is the limit!

If you win

Apparently, lotto winners are prevalent enough that State Farm Insurance, among other reputable organizations, has a website devoted to teaching us what to do if we win.

Advice is offered because statistics indicate that as a result of poor planning and overzealous spending, 70 percent of lottery winners live to see themselves lose all of their money.

I don’t mean to gloat, but I don’t know that I would have that problem. My idea of rich would be to pay off the mortgage, buy a new used truck and maybe get a dog for my dogs?

I haven’t thought past paying off modest student loans and maybe getting some new towels. We’ve been married over 20 years. Our towels are pretty shabby.

‘Adulting’

That fact that my thought went to towels made me realize something about myself. I am a very boring person.

The truth? If I had a billion dollars, I really would pay off our mortgage, bankroll college tuition or skilled trades for the entire extended family and save, tithe and give to charity.

I know I’m supposed to say I would buy a private island, but I know me. I am so adult it’s painful. I’m pure middle class soccer mom. I would begin to worry about my island? Is it clean? Do we need to order sand? Is the island insurance up to date? Is there needed Island maintenance I am unaware of?

The next thing you know all the fancy is just nothing but a burden! Why sign up for that? A local lake suits us fine.

The truth is that I look around at my family, friends and the life we have made together and I feel like I have already won the lottery. That is why if I am ever blessed enough to win the lottery, I promise to stay the same person I always have been.

My pet treats and toys budget, however, will be EPIC.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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