Let’s invent the perfect Mom App

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Like so many others, I swore I would never have a smartphone and wander around completely dependent on it and despondent if without it for any length of time.

Then I went ahead and turned into the person who has a smartphone and wanders around completely dependent and somewhat despondent if forced to be without it for any length of time.

I’ve had my smartphone for almost three years (that’s practically a golden anniversary in the tech world), and I have become that person who, when faced with a new challenge or task, says ‘I think I have an app for that.’

Here an app, there an app

App is a tech term that I presume is short for application (I can Google it for you because I definitely have an app for that).

I have apps for photos and shopping (essential), banking (practical) and fitness (completely ignored). Apps are a quick way to get a variety of tasks accomplished all within the confines of an electronic device.

The truth is that the mini computer masquerading as a phone that I carry in my hand (so often that my hand is kind of shaped to fit it now… sorry, not sorry) has become a great addition that adds time and value to my lifestyle.

Something missing

Still, as I peruse the many apps readily available (for free!), I can’t help but see one glaring omission: The Mom App.

Mom says…

The Mom App, if designed correctly, could take the place of so many of the other health, fitness, nutrition, communication and social media apps. What are most of these, if not simply ways to remind you to be diligent and dutiful and get things done.

What is Siri or Cortana or whatever Operating System is calling its Voice Recognition Digital Assistant, but a clever way to say Mom?

When Siri takes her usual tone with me, mildly amused with a hint of disappointment, I find it quite maternal.

A good Mom App would automatically know what time to wake you and better yet, would have a dual alarm to send you to bed. It would automatically chime to remind you to brush your teeth, comb your hair, do your homework and make good choices.

It would offer wardrobe advice, “you aren’t going to wear THAT are you?” and randomly text to tell you to “stand up straight” and “get your hair out of your eyes.”

On second thought, that may be the Next Gen Grandmother App.

The mom app would know at a moment’s notice if you had received the proper immunization, what size shoe you wore, and what you wanted for your birthday EVEN IF YOU NEVER PROGRAMMED HER TO KNOW. She just  does.

The Mom App would scan your Contacts, Photos and Friends Lists and gently steer you to make good choices.

I’m not advocating censorship. Let’s just say that too many curse words and suggestive photos and the Mom App might just accidentally block a few people. For your own good, of course.

Better

The Mom App would automatically transfer money from your checking account into savings. It would alert you to great job opportunities too.

In short, the Mom App would take care of your daily needs, make your happiness a priority, and remain dedicated to making you just a little bit better person than you were the day before. The app’s mission being to build a better you.

Of course, it will never work. No mere electronic device could possibly have enough memory to do all that a human mother does.

Not to mention that no human mother would ever get away with the excuse that she only had a four- to six-hour battery life.

When they make a smartphone that works for LIFE with nary a charge despite endless updates, then we’ll talk.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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