As news of Tickle Me Elmo’s drug bust sped across the wire, there was only one conclusion that could be drawn from the tragedy: clearly sesame seed is a gateway drug.
In a news conference recently at the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Denver, the Federal Drug Enforcement Administration said the bust probably stopped up to 50 percent of the drug trade in northern Colorado.
Drug buddy. Sure he’s cute, cuddly and coveted by children who know him from Sesame Street, but federal authorities say that an Elmo doll had a more sinister purpose as it was stuffed with ultra pure methamphetamine to ship the drug to northern Colorado, where a drug ring was staking out its turf.
Along the drug route, Colorado police confiscated 45 pounds of almost pure meth, $59,000 in cash and, most notably, a Tickle Me Elmo doll stuffed with four pounds of meth.
Elmo was in a car on his way from southern California. No word on if Big Bird was driving.
So sad. It’s so sad when a good Muppet goes bad. It seems like just yesterday he was hanging out on Sesame Street, counting to five, learning to say “water” in Spanish (it’s agua mineral, by the way), and learning valuable life lessons about love and acceptance at Oscar the Grouch’s knee.
Now, the Spanish lessons alone seem terribly suspicious. Was he planning a trip across the border? How does one say “contraband” in Spanish?
Elmo’s reps claim his intentions were pure. He was learning Spanish in a desperate attempt to reason with Dora the Explorer who keeps stealing market share.
Imagine. Nonetheless, there is a certain criminal flair to the whole thing. I like to imagine Elmo, his red fur flowing in the breeze, zipping along the highway in his little remote controlled sports car (maybe Barbie’s recently carjacked pink corvette?)
On the other hand, Barbie could be riding shotgun. She’s gotten so wild and unpredictable since she hit 50 and dumped Ken.
Elmo is armed only with a sharp lawn dart and a sense of wild abandon to carry him wherever he needs to go.
Busted. Suddenly, in the rearview mirror, he sees the lights of a Rescue Heroes police car and he knows, with a lump in his furry little gut, that the jig is up.
Look, I’m not one to point fingers, but obviously Elmo succumbed to peer pressure. Anyone could see that once PBS let those characters from It’s a Big World in, it was “there goes the neighborhood,” or the Sesame Street, as the case may be.
The main character on Big World is a sloth who looks to be based on a stoner dude. He has bad posture, sleeps pretty much most of the day (slothlike, OK, I get that) and he has a handful of creepy friends that share his treehouse.
Frankly, I think that Bert and Ernie or whoever is in charge over there should have kept a tighter rein on Elmo. That’s all I’m saying.
Crazy kids. Fortunately, Elmo is very young (isn’t he, like, four?) and this is his first offense. Technically, his first offense is referring to himself in the third person continuously, but that offense isn’t federal, even if it should be.
He could probably be sentenced to probation, perhaps sweeping up Sesame Street and cleaning up after Snuffleupagus, that sort of thing?
I think with a quick stint on rehab, maybe some hard time with The Simpsons and he’ll be fine, just fine.
If not, there’s always community service with Bob the Builder.
(Kymberly Foster Seabolt notes that all Muppets are innocent until proven guilty. She welcomes comment c/o firstname.lastname@example.org; P.O. Box 38, Salem, Ohio 44460 or http://userweb.epohi.com/~kseabolt.)
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