Just today a very nice man, a friend’s parent actually, gave me the ultimate compliment when he said that in his opinion my children had turned out quite well.
That made my day. It really did. I think often of the quote credited to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis: If you bungle the raising of your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.
Isn’t that the truth? In that vein, a parenting peer wrote the following on social media: “My kids are angry because I’m their mom and not their friend. I’m trying to prevent them from becoming entitled jerks. Anyone want to be friends? No one here likes me!”
Fortunately, an awful lot of parents wanted to be her friend. Her responses from fellow parents were a resounding chorus of good for you! Did you take their Wi-Fi password? Phone? Driving privileges? Send them to their rooms?
Oh good, then you already have access to the Meanest Moms Ever Club. Well done!
Sometimes being a parent does mean saying no, being mean and making them take their medicine, literally or figuratively. It’s slammed doors and I hate you! And, knowing that all the other parents are (presumably) much, much cooler than you.
Honestly, if your kids are mad at you from time to time, then you’re probably doing something right.
Friends
The truth being that my kids and I had a wonderful time together when they were growing up. They have been the joy of my life every day of theirs.
That being said, I am not their best friend. I am their parent. I am charged with turning them into decent people. It is my greatest goal that they be self-sufficient, self-supporting and most of all — kind.
I refuse to bungle the raising of these children. If I had to make them angry at me along the way, so be it. I’ve got plenty of friends my own who find me pretty delightful, if I do say so myself.
Now that mine are newly minted adults, I find it interesting how some parents hold so tightly to the control of grown children. I got mine started on their college paths with orientation, admissions, and financial aid and then allowed them to take ownership of the experience.
Initially, they may have wondered why I did it with them instead of for them. They quickly learned that handling their business meant being well prepared for the little bumps in the road that inevitably come with bureaucracy.
They can come to me always but more often than not know to reach out to the systems in place at the university. They work with the staff, guidance and admissions.
This is their journey. Not mine. I’ll help when needed but at this point, I am not the best source for information on registration. I consider my refusal to handle this for them a gift from me to them.
In truth, I have almost no connection to their university experience save for providing FAFSA with our tax returns, DNA and (literally) our first born child.
We are always there for advice, backup and support but just as with their formative school experience — Mr. Wonderful and I have had our time. This is theirs.
Being a card-carrying member of the “I am your parent, not your friend club” does not mean being a stick in the mud meanie all the time. In fact, it can be quite the opposite.
Veto power
It is interesting to have grown children report back on their perceptions growing up. I’m told I was a yes mom for the most part. I like that. I tried as much as possible to stay positive and open to new ideas and experiences.
I didn’t say no just because I could. I saved my veto power for when it really mattered. Looking back the no times rarely met with much kickback from the kids. I think they trusted that if I said no to some invitation or plan, I probably had a good reason.
Now that they are both adults living at home while they attend college, we expect civility and thoughtfulness. I do not impose curfews.
Everyone pitches in around the house and everyone one keeps others apprised of their whereabouts. We are all adults here. I am actually the one most likely to get tracked down. BoyWonder worries if his mama is out of her assigned area after dark.
So all you parents in the thick of it, who sometimes have to be the bad guy let me assure you, you are doing a great job.
I think it means you are doing your job as parents. After all, if your kids thought you were always nice, they’d probably call you grandpa or grandma.
