I live in a creaky old house, sans air conditioning, and am sometimes visited by bats. Better yet, I often choose of my own free will to go camping in an actual tent that involves sleeping ON THE GROUND. Yet, put a hotel room passkey in my hand and suddenly, I’m Princess and the Pea.
My nemesis is small but stealthy. It lurks under the model of health but, in fact, it’s a silent slayer of innocent flesh. I am speaking, of course, of the mandolin slicer.
I was not, as a child, what you would have called a “team player.” Joining things just wasn’t my forte. I did not play softball, volleyball, basketball or field hockey. Imagine my surprise to wake up and find myself a bona fide soccer mom.
Yesterday I got bangs. As any woman knows, this is clearly a cry for help. Unfortunately I was seized by momentary insanity and my best friend (the one who always tells me the truth) wasn’t there to body block the beautician on the basis of this being A Very Bad Idea (capitalized, as all truly […]
I’m not from around here. That’s probably why I got a chuckle when our local village’s Facebook status (yes, we are THAT hip) read “If you are a missing a black cow, we currently have one roaming on Main Street.” Note they said BLACK cow. To differentiate, I suppose, from all the brown cows downtown? […]
I would like to call to order this meeting of the fellow Mean Mothers of America (MMoA). Our first order of business will be to erect a statue (chocolate, of course) to Mark Zuckerberg, Founder of the social networking site, Facebook.
So I just spent maybe eight minutes weeding an area outside my front door and I deeply resent that time as eight minutes of my life that I will never get back. Far from being moved by the beauty of nature, I am annoyed at the tenacious nature of nature. I just cleared those weeds […]
I am not “the outdoor type.” I made clear early on that Mr. Wonderful, an avid athlete and outdoorsman, had made a poor choice in mates. He did not marry anyone even remotely “self-sufficient” or “outdoorsy.”
The graduate. She has deep blue eyes, a gorgeous smile, and her senior class superlative is “prettiest hair.” That makes sense. She does have the prettiest hair. It’s a gorgeous shade of deep, natural red. This was true even when she was mostly bald and later, briefly, when it all sort of fluffed around her head like a vibrant dandelion puff.
When you’re young and just starting to make a little money, (emphasis on “little”) you are made to feel a failure if you don’t put your money to work for you. It doesn’t matter if your “salad days” are more “ramen noodle” days, people immediately start yammering at you about investments. Invest in stocks, bonds […]
First, let me state for the record that no dogs were harmed in the making of this column, though not for lack of trying. Great outdoors Being rural dwellers we suffer the delusion that our dogs will appreciate and embrace the blessing that is open access to the great outdoors. We have a large yard […]
Twas’ an hour before the big Easter dinner and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except me as I was finishing all the cooking and baking. The stockings were hung, er, folded, carefully along with the rest of laundry mountain that had recently been cut down to size. Perfect We had reached […]
If it’s possible to be addicted to saving then I’ve got the bug — bad. There is just something so satisfying about not spending money. Some count their winnings through gambling. I get high saving. No slots player pulling a lever ever got bigger thrills than I do when they start subtracting my coupon savings […]
April 18-24 is Screen-Free Week. Since 1996, organizers have exhorted us to turn off screens via the implementation of Screen-Free Week (formerly TV-Turnoff). Ever since it replaced turning off the television for one week with the scarier prospect of turning off ALL screens (including computers, video games and smart phones), resistance has risen. I’m sure […]
I find as I age that I look to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis for parenting advice.
You know that moment when you make that fateful decision and say “Who am I going to see at the Tractor Supply at 7:30 p.m. on a Monday? These Muck boots and this dirty old ski parka are FINE?” That is a bad moment. Poor decision making processes are at work here. It never fails. […]
“I can’t find Pikachu.” You wouldn’t think those words would strike fear in a woman’s heart but oh, let me tell you, they do. Pikachu in this case is not a Pokemon character from the long running children’s series. No. Pikachu is our pet goat. He was a gift to our then 5-year-old son from […]
Does there exist a blog, website, or even random street corner where people can meet to poke merciless fun at the people featured on HGTV’s House Hunters? If not, there should be. They’d get a million visits per day. According to the HGTV (Home and Garden Channel) promo “House Hunters focuses on the emotional experience […]
Matching up socks, I’m fairly sure, is a task they make you do repeatedly in hell. I used to carefully match and pair different sizes and styles of socks, times four people. Pairing up socks became somewhat a side job for me. When all the other responsibilities of the day were squared away, I could […]
“This is life before you know who you’re gonna be … At Fifteen.” — Taylor Swift Apparently a recent column detailing the drama of parenting tween and teen girls hit a lot of nerves already worn raw by one too many slammed doors and eye-rolls. People raising young girls today, or having survived doing so […]