When they grow up

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As a child, I made many crazy plans and wilder statements about what I planned to do with my life and free time when I grow up.

Chief among my goals when I grow up was cereal and cookies for dinner daily and absolutely “no limit” on how many hours of cartoons I could watch. I had big dreams. Now that I have almost raised two whole human beings to adulthood, I find myself making plans for what I will do not when I grow up, but when they do.

I can’t wait until someday, when, God-willing, I visit Boywonder.

I’m going to leave damp towels, shoes, and empty soda cans littered all over his house. If I happen to know where they keep a key, I will stop by just to throw a toilet paper roll on the floor, open all the kitchen cabinet doors, and take the batteries out of the remote control.

Silverware in the trash

Mr. Wonderful wants to steal all his socks, put a dent in his car, and hang coats on the back of every chair. (To be fair, Mr. Wonderful does that now). As for Girlwonder, I am throwing her silverware in the trash.

At one point when she was a toddler, I didn’t have enough spoons for six people. It was a complete mystery until the day I heard a small but satisfied all done and saw her toddling determinedly away from the kitchen trash can.

I looked in to find that she had thrown away a spoon. I suspect that wasn’t the first time.

Mystery solved

I hope I’m a frequent visitor and welcome in both their homes. While I’m there, I’m building a shoe pile and using up all the toilet paper. I’m going to drink entire gallons of milk straight out of the container, and then leave the container on the counter.

I’m going to eat all except one spoon full of ice cream and put the carton back in the freezer. I will leave the lights on in every room, smear toothpaste in the sink, and take 30-minute showers. I’m going to leave my hairbrushes and makeup all over the bathroom counter, and help myself to her makeup someday.

Last week I went around like a squinty mole person for a week because my $25 super duper extra long wearing ultra black eyeliner pencil went with her to the stage production of Les Miserables. It doesn’t rub off on my bonnet she said.

What about my bonnet? Maybe I have a bonnet and need proper eyeliner. During that same performance run, Girlwonder created a littered our entire house with teacups holding soggy tea bags.

They were everywhere. If we wanted a mug for coffee we had to go on a reconnaissance mission to reclaim a cup. I can’t wait to stop by her place with a box of tea bags and a plan. When I go to my son’s house, I’m going to leave a few pairs of dirty socks in his living room and empty cereal bowls on every flat surface.

When they grow up we have big plans. If caught, our response to who made the mess will be “ I don’t know, nobody, or not me. If that doesn’t work, I’m blaming the in-laws.

Of course, the real thing I’m going to do when they grow up and are out on their own is miss them — and their messes — like crazy.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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