Happy almost Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate.
Love is a weird thing when you really think about it. Like you just stumble upon another human being, spend time together and say, “Yes. I like this one. I’ll make this one the foundation of my existence … forever.”
Valentine’s Day is fun. Dating can be a real good time. Weddings can be magical. The thing to remember, always, is that attraction and emotion can get you to the relationship, but it will take respect, patience, commitment and a wicked sense of humor to keep you there. It helps to pick someone who is pretty much your most favorite person of all time in the history of forever — at least that has worked effectively for me.
Listen. I love being married to my best friend. I can tell him anything and know he will keep it to himself — in part because at least half the time he does not actually listen to me. If he does, he doesn’t remember anything I said. For his part, he is very careful and kind in how he speaks to me. Even after more than three decades together he knows that every conversation is being recorded in my mind for quality and training purposes. Anything he says today can — and will — be used against him.
A perfect relationship isn’t ever actually perfect. It’s just one where both people never give up. Romance is the smallest part of it. Pick your battles over the little stuff. Mr. Wonderful, aptly named, has the ability to build, repair and do almost anything under the sun. There is nothing this man cannot do. Until he gets inside. Putting a dirty dish inside the dishwasher? That is a bridge too far. He cannot. He will not. It used to irritate me until I realized if this was my biggest issue, I am truly blessed.
For his part, he can point out that in all my life I have never, not once I assure you, shoveled snow. I’d die in a drift up to my neck before I picked up a snow shovel. Heck, I didn’t learn to mow the lawn until a few years ago — and that’s only because I like our tractor. I had to be bribed.
The wedding is a day; the marriage is decades if you’re lucky. It is not about making a few grand gestures or a splashy makeup after another round of fighting. It is about showing up every single day, even when you’re tired, annoyed or “just not feeling it.” Strong marriages are about always making each other your first priority.
Romance definitely looks different the longer we are together. Last night, I made dinner, including the fresh bread Mr. Wonderful likes. He surprised me by cleaning up after dinner without being prompted. He even packed up the leftovers for our lunches. I felt so seen and very deeply loved. Sometimes romance is simply “I cleaned up because I know you’re tired” or “I saved you the last piece.”
You’ll deal with a lot of stressful situations in a marriage, a lot of sickness for you, them and others. There will be unexpected lean times where you might be clipping coupons and living on noodles or bologna sandwiches. Anyone can show you their highlight reel, but that isn’t what you’re marrying. Pick the person who you love at their worst, not at their best.
Service. I am married to a man with “acts of service love.” He does not demonstrate his commitment in gifts and flowers so much as in a steady presence. I also never have to worry about bills being paid, things being fixed or him not having my back in every situation.
The goal of marriage, of course, is not to think alike so much as to think together. At the end of each day, you need more than love. The days that are smoothest have a healthy dose of “like” too. Do you fundamentally LIKE this person?
One thing that really defines my husband and my relationship is that we enjoy each other’s company. We like hanging out together. We are comfortable with each other. Neither of us is perfect. I am definitely a pill. Certainly there are days when we get on each other’s nerves, but those don’t happen very often. When you really like your person, nothing feels boring.
Marry someone you enjoy doing nothing with, just sitting around, being together and making toast. Life is mostly Tuesdays more than wedding and vacation days. Butterflies fade; peace is priceless. If you plan on having a family, God willing, marry someone who you’d be proud of if your children turned out like them. I did and I am.
Long marriages aren’t one love story. They are multiple love stories with the same person.
