By the time you read this, we will have survived another “epic, historic, insert your adjective here” winter storm — or not. If I don’t survive, then this column will be even MORE valuable for the irony of my swan song. Just say I died doing what I love, rolling my eyes at meteorological drama.
The news reports are all amped up as we prepare for between 0 inches and 40 inches of snow. It will be either 15 F or 30 below. There could be wind gusts or maybe not. I understand science is fickle and weather patterns change. I’m laughing WITH them, not at them. I just hope the predictions of a foot or more of snow and -15 degree temperatures are wrong.
Just in case we do get a “snowmageddon,” there are a few rules that are important to follow as soon as the meteorologists appear in a panic, Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel flies in or anyone mentions that you might want to fire up your generator — assuming you have one. If you do not have one, now is the time to question all your life choices, by the way.
Otherwise, most everyone knows the drill.
Plan. Immediately rush to the grocery store to purchase every gallon of milk you can get your hands on, even if no one in your house drinks milk. This, like letting water drip so your pipes don’t freeze, is simply a precautionary measure.
Ditto, get your hands on as many loaves of bread as it will take for your entire family — and perhaps two other families — to survive for 3 to 6 weeks. Bonus points for filling your carts with potato chips like you will eat nothing else for the duration of the storm. Similar to Covid, you will seemingly overnight suddenly believe that you will need at least a pallet of toilet paper. No one knows why. Do you not have toilet paper in your home generally? Who am I to judge?
You will want to run out early for all this stocking up. Once the first snowflakes touch down it is officially time to PANIC. Bridges will freeze as will all common sense. Know your limits. If you are not skilled at winter driving with a good vehicle — say you’re rocking a car with four bald tires — maybe stay home? I’m not judging you, I’m trying to save you. Many of us have been there. By “there” I mean skidding into a ditch.
Woah. Even with a sturdy vehicle, it is a good idea to give a wide berth to any large truck that looks like it rarely actually gets dirty or hauls anything. People with overly pristine 4-wheel-drive vehicles will sometimes forget that being able to “go” does not mean they will always be able to “woah.” My father-in-law taught me that years ago, and it’s stayed with me all these years. Roads can be closed with the Highway Patrol begging people to please stay home, and someone in a F-250 that costs more than our first house did will blow by at 15 mph over the speed limit.
At home, you’ll want to be prepared for power outages. You’ll also want to prepare for online arguments with people who insist that whatever is currently being experienced is not even a “real” winter storm. They will gleefully assure you that they weathered “a real storm” back in ‘51, ‘95 or 2010.
The good news for the rest of us is that they have trained their entire lives for this. They spent their childhoods walking barefoot in the snow uphill both ways after all. Do not alienate these people. They are the ones you need in your corner — and your driveways.
They are prepared for a zombie apocalypse, a government coup or a foot of snow in equal measure. They own generators, snow plows and a beat up Stanley thermos from the 1970s that can keep coffee hot for a week. With only these tools, they will see their family, friends and utter strangers safely through the storm.
Prayers for warmth, good food, comfort and Godspeed through the coming storm for all — whether it is a one-, two-, or three-pallet of toilet paper snow storm rating.
