Like most people, I spent the spring under a #StayHome order designed to protect us from the coronavirus.
During the lockdown, I had big plans to accomplish something. I was going to really buckle down and get projects, such as painting the kitchen and organizing old photos, completed. I was going to rediscover old hobbies!
None of that happened. I put on pants once or twice, and I folded some towels. That is the extent of it.
If the pandemic has taught me anything it is that my hobbies are basically shopping, eating out and touching my face. Forget a mask, I need a cone. I had no idea I pawed at my face like a cat until the virus made me aware.
While staying home, I took seriously my commitment to helping small businesses. I basically made it a literal #StayHome “order.” I made a habit of ordering carry-out from locally-owned restaurants.
At the same time, I also somehow managed to spend something like $16 million ordering groceries. Our freezer is full. Our cabinets runneth over. It’s a game of Tetris to pack all the food away. Then I turn around and order a pizza. Shop local!
I tried to be better about online shopping. I didn’t order anything online that wasn’t essential.
That lasted a couple of weeks. Then our bank actually sent a text alert wondering if my card had been lost or stolen. I felt it best to buy something before they assumed I had died.
Meanwhile, if my bank really wants to protect me from fraudulent purchases they need to lock down my card between the hours of 3-4 a.m. For some reason, I wake up in the wee hours and am compelled to get online. I browse social media on my phone. Inevitably, I see an ad for something that I just cannot live without.
What I could really use was notices like “yeah, we know it’s you sis, but trust us, you do not need to buy shapewear, magic makeup or miracle stain remover at 3 a.m.”
I would like to pretend I’m sound asleep when I make the purchases, but I’m not. I just have lowered inhibitions. Do I need shapewear? Definitely. Expensive foundation? Absolutely! Why not decide to transform my whole face at 3 a.m.?
The last few months, I have found that if an item is made in the USA or if my purchase supports a small business, I am susceptible. The other day, I received a shipment of Miracle Facial Oil mined from the hills somewhere in the United States. I have no idea what it does, but it smells nice, and the bottle is pretty.
If anyone asks, I’m not an avid shopper with an overheating issue. I’m a selfless patriot saving America one carry-out meal or small business purchase at a time. Please, take my money. Heck, sign me up for a monthly subscription of whatever it is. I’ll order extra if it comes with carry-out snacks and a chance to touch my face.
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