If you can’t stand the heat — sit with me


Many of you are located in the East Coast and Midwest and are currently facing a searing heat wave and freaking out (understandably).

Please note, however, that we are going to need you to keep this same energy and understanding when our southern states get a single snow flurry and forget how to exist.

Best when cold

We northern states can be pretty smug about our ability to handle cold and snow. Memes and posts abound about how the entire southern U.S. shuts down for two snowflakes. There is a run on bread, milk and potato chips. Everyone stays home.

Northerners laugh and engage the 4-wheel drive as we head out to throw ourselves down mountains on skis. Well, not me personally since I have some sense, but other people really seem to enjoy that sort of thing.

Then the north gets a heatwave and we plumb forget how to exist.

Southern sizzle

I know Southerners are barely registering the 100-plus-degree heat today. “Oh this old thing?” they probably say as the thermometer pops its top.

I’m fielding endless phone notifications warning me about a “Severe Weather Alert” (read: heatwave) telling me to stay home, stay cool and consider moving into my freezer for the duration.

Meanwhile, I am pretty sure they are saying, “well bless your heart,” as they head out for a morning jog, perhaps deciding to shingle a roof later. Apparently, this heat barely phases them.

Dwellers of fire, please tell me your secret. In this humidity, the air feels like a wet washcloth, my hair has tripled in size, everything is sticky, and I have the energy level of a sloth — but somehow less zippy. How do you do this?


The thing about residing in a northern state is that I put up with the cold and snow primarily as a trade-off for NOT having deadly hot summers.

I say smugly “I like all four seasons!” By this, I mean spring, summer, winter and fall and not spring, summer, “welcome to Hades,” winter, and fall.

I am not made for this heat. I cannot function in this. I scurry from the air-conditioned building to air-conditioned vehicles like a bug avoiding bright light. I am a Yankee through and through.

I have no point of reference for this level of heat, so I invariably touch the steering wheel in a car heated to oven temps or plop down on bare metal or vinyl in shorts. Ouch.

Sure, boating and swimming can take the sting out of a heatwave, but at some point, even the water is just too warm. It is not remotely refreshing to swim in water at the temperature of tepid bathwater.

Before all you hot weather weirdos come out with “I’d rather live on the surface of the sun than put up with winter,” let me remind you: you can always put on another layer of clothing for the cold, but you can only get so naked. At least one would hope.

I can always add a cute sweater and fuzzy scarf to my outfit on even the coldest day. No one wants to see me cruising through the hardware store or grocery in my birthday suit in a heat wave. Trust me. No. One.

Stay cool, friends. Also, stay dressed.


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