Survival of the absolute least fit


I watch a lot of television. I am an admitted couch potato. I have never understood the characters in movies who are always working so hard to survive an alien invasion, worldwide disaster and/or the presumed end of the world.

They often trek through desolate wasteland and over hills and high water to prove that they are capable of building a new world. I don’t get it. Why do people in these stories always have such will to live?

I personally think it is important for a person to know their limits. My limits are that I simply am not suited for overcoming the level of adversity I assume would be present at the end of the world. I’ve never tried to restore world order, but I just know I would NOT excel at it. I’m like the least athletic person in my family. I consider it a personal victory every time I manage not to fall off a short stepladder.


If there is any surer sign that I will not survive the apocalypse, it is my complete inability to handle even the most minor inconveniences. I pretend to be a hale and hearty type who takes things as they come. I am not, however, wired that way. I do not like inconveniences. If things don’t work as they should, I absolutely take it personally. Broken toaster? Car won’t start? Wi-Fi isn’t working? I cannot work under these conditions.

If the electricity goes out for more than four hours, I’m convinced I have been returned to pioneer times — against my will of course. I am not a Luddite. I am the opposite of that.

I am forever grateful for every one of my ancestors who hopped on a boat or wagon to get my people as far as we have come today. I would never have made the journey. I probably would have tripped and fallen right off the deck of the Mayflower or missed the last covered wagon or what have you. I hate crowds and lines. Ellis Island would have completely overwhelmed me.

I am soft. I am a big fan of comfort and ease. I get frustrated if I can’t find one of my many moisturizers I have stashed around my home and vehicle. I simply cannot look ashy for armageddon. Don’t even get me started on life without sunscreen. I turn red as a beet with anything less than SPF 30. My plan if I am ever faced with the end of civilization is to pass away peacefully. I’ve had a good run. I hope the Lord will have me.

Granted, as long as any of our loved ones or animals survive, I will just have to figure out how to manufacture breathable air and potable water to keep THEM alive. Otherwise, I don’t get this enthusiasm to live on a burnt rock of a planet that remains.


I am spoiled. I admit this.I’m not interested in building a new world. I don’t have the patience to build a gingerbread house properly at Christmas time. I’m fairly certain that fashioning an entire civilization is outside my wheelhouse.

I’m great at making banana bread from scratch. Not so much at crafting a new world order from one. Home Ec didn’t cover that at all. I have no desire to fight for survival in a world where I have to take cold showers.

Physically, I can’t see more than six inches in front of my face without corrective contacts, and I’m too scared of knives near my eyeballs to get corrective surgery. I might survive initially but the minute I lose a contact lens I’m basically bait.

Take me out in the first wave. If there’s no coffee, quality orthopedic shoes or air conditioning, I’m good to go.


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