The perils of perky

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Kym Seabolt's dogs

Look, I love my husband. Would not trade him for the world. I would, however, advise anyone contemplating spending decades with someone to check on their propensity to be too darned PERKY first thing in the morning.

This was not covered in our marriage vows. In this I was remiss. Warned. Dating does not tell you everything you need to know about a person.

Late nights spent lingering over post-club meals of diner coffee and pie do not tell the whole story.

All the time we spent staying up until all hours discussing the ways of the world (and how we would change it) did not prepare me for the fact that I accidentally married a chipper morning person.

I am not what one would consider lazy (usually). I don’t sleep all day. I like to think I am an early-to-bed and early-to-rise person.

On weekends, I enjoy sleeping in until all hours (say, 8 a.m.). In a perfect world, I then look forward to enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee, snuggling the dogs and, maybe after the coffee kicks in, having some light conversation.

Perhaps a quick walk around the property with the dogs and then back in to relax a bit before we see where the day takes us. Doesn’t that sound lovely?

Up and at ’em

Not to Mr. Wonderful it doesn’t. He is cut from a different cloth. This man opens his eyes upon awakening and instantly his feet hit the ground.

Who does this? No yawn. No stretch. No warning. Just Boom! He’s up! He’s startled me more than once with this routine.

Once upright he immediately dresses completely, including belt and shoes. Dresses himself PRE-COFFEE people. (Show off).

At that point he is also talking, and his monologue is generally “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

Meanwhile, I am still lying in bed, probably snuggling a pet or three, trying to remember what I have on my agenda today.

Does it require cute hair? Will I need to wear adult attire or will lounge clothes suffice?

I definitely cannot coordinate or accessorize outfits without caffeine. That’s how a person ends up wearing pajama bottoms and one brown shoe and one black shoe in public, I’m sure of it. Hush.

Eventually, I do arise, but I just want to sit for a minute, enjoy my coffee, maybe catch up on the news and THEN greet the day. Is that really too much to ask?

What is it about seeing me relaxing that drives Mr. Wonderful to assign tasks? Can you call? Can you make? Can you do?

All these sentences come out of his mouth within the first half hour or so I am up. I’ve taken to reminding him that I am up in name only. In all other aspects of life I am not yet ready to take on new duties.

Do you know what doesn’t go well with watching a glorious sunrise? Commentary. Just. Let. Me. Sip. My. Coffee. In. Peace. Please.

The early bird

Last Sunday, we had loosely made plans to stop at an all-day festival located just minutes from our home.

He was wide awake hours earlier and definitely antsy to leave a good 40 minutes before the venue even opened.

Again, it is literally three miles up the street. I have gotten used to arriving at daytime events before the janitorial staff in charge of setup does.

It is just easier to get in the car and go than it is to watch Mr. Wonderful fidget if we are delayed (read: leaving at the appointed time that makes sense to anyone else) at home.

Do the research

Ladies, don’t let a perky go-getter happen to you. Call your fiance a few times really early in the morning. Set your alarm if necessary.

If he’s groggy and confused when he answers, he’s a keeper. Mr. Wonderful is never groggy. He wakes up bright-eyed on high alert. I should have known.

I’m all for falling in love with a high achiever. I’d still marry him of course. But there should have been some sort of warning. Some days I would like to get up and NOT go.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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