Google is testing me


There is no one who prides themselves on sedentary laziness quite like I do. I am a proud member of the sofa-sitting society. I love doing nothing and reading is my favorite sport.

My biggest adrenaline rush comes from realizing I have three days in a row to sleep in and not leave my house if I don’t want to.

I love digital things (tasks at the push of a button!), social media (socializing but you don’t have to be upright or wear pants) and when people try to warn me that “Big Brother is watching” on all my devices, I wonder how bored Big Brother must be if monitoring my Pinterest activity makes government radar.

Not surprised

When my only two-year-old mobile phone went toward the light recently, I was dismayed but not really surprised. Cell phones seem to have the lifespan of a firefly. They are bright and glowing for the briefest of moments, then in a blink fade out.

Fortunately, there is always a sale on something somewhere. This time my new phone came with a free gift. If by free we mean we pay seventy-eleven billion dollars and they throw something else in the box.

This something was a mini speaker.

The idea that tiny things are superior is new to me. I was a child in the 1970s when the best speakers were roughly the size of an eight-year-old child. I had no idea what the purpose or use of this was but free is free.

More technology

What came in the box was the most adorable little fabric covered dot. It fits in the palm of a hand and looks quite innocuous. However, now I can say “Okay Google” and have … something … happen. That’s the rub. I have no idea WHAT is supposed to happen?

So far I was able to get it to say Happy Birthday in Korean and tell us what whale song sounds like. No word on whether or not the whales sang Happy Birthday. I would have to ask the Google ball to know for sure.

I’m told it can also control a special thermostat, sound system, television, lights and a variety of appliances all based on voice commands. Of course, because I am an excessively cheap person I don’t actually OWN the items that are controlled by this.

So I’m left with the most adorable little fabric ball that can send me whale songs and speak Korean. So it’s sitting there unused and I feel like I may be disappointing the internet Universe. Still, It was free with my phone so I was like “Free stuff yay!”

We actually ordered two phones so now we have two of these little devices listening in and offering insight. They also play Mad Libs which is not at all annoying when it starts up unexpectedly.

Still, free is free and this is free stuff. Now I just need a $60 light bulb to go with my freebie.


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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.



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