If the Olympics were held on the farm

Imagine the assortment of entertaining twists and turns that could be offered if the American heartland ever decided to host an Olympics.

The opportunities are endless, with no age limits to hold anyone back:

• Best backup tractor hitch hook-up in total darkness and pounding rain.
• Break-away dance from electric fence connection, standing in a massive mud puddle.
• Slip and slide entry to barn — glossy ice event.
• Speed cutting of baler twine with a knife (must first be certified as dull as a butter knife).
• Roping (loose livestock) rodeo events, complicated by mud, manure, wildly random interference of dogs, cats, livestock of every sort.
• Troubleshooting various items that will not start, under pressure of time constraints.
• Speed interviewing of potential part-time help on a shoestring budget.
• Replacing burned out light bulbs in the highest point of an old barn. (Note: shaky antique ladder is a required part of this competition.)
• Hay bale throwing — requirements include no gloves and ability to hurl from barn floor up into 5-foot-high feed bunk without missing a fleck.
• Dairy parlor form of curling — cleaning up in the milking parlor after the cows exit.
• Figure skating elegantly on rusty skates, dressed in filthy coveralls, on snow-covered farm pond.
• Farm kid downhill slalom — requires a clean landing from peak of hay mow to barn floor.
• The agricultural triathalon — performing as veterinarian, herdsman and agronomist in a day-long, high-pressure competition

Winners

In closing, it must be pointed out that rather than bronze, silver or gold medals, each winner receives a home-cooked meal, a warm house and a comfy bed shared with an annoying sibling or a snoring spouse, exhausted from sharing in all of the same challenging events.