If these walls could talk, they’d say ‘Send money’


If a wall is going to fall on me (and it’s generally safe to assume it WILL), then you would think that at the VERY least, something valuable could fall with it.
Perusing the magazines and media would lead me to believe that every single hapless homeowner who blithely rips into any surface in an old house immediately has gold bullion, old money, and rare and valuable possessions come spilling out of the walls.
Every time I turn on one of those renovation programs on television I am assaulted by some ne’er do well who upon opening up a wall, crawlspace or long-locked cupboard finds an original copy of the United States Constitution or a Rembrandt or something.
Meanwhile, I find myself tearing into old walls (and floors and ceilings) all the time and the most exciting thing we have unearthed thus far is a petrified squirrel carcass.
Memorable? Yes. Valuable. No.
If these walls could talk, they’d say “Sorry Charlie, we’re broke.” That’s both literally and figuratively, by the way.
Dream. I want to be one of those people who shows up on Antiques Roadshow stammering about how I just lifted up a floorboard and there it was – a Ming vase – who knew!
Somehow I just don’t see myself scoring any serious airtime showing off


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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.