If you give a big box store your business

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When the children were little we all enjoyed the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. This domino effect of a tall tale involves the process of how one choice can eventually overrun an entire house.

If you have followed the saga of our kitchen remodel, you know that we have been held hostage by unfinished, almost phantom, countertops for something like 7,011 trillion days, or close to it.

Last week, Girlwonder asked when they might arrive? Boywonder, ever the wise one, answered quickly “Never. They plan to stall until she finally moves out.”

Thus in the spirit of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, we present our grown-up fairy tale.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business. They will take a large chunk of your money.

Delayed call

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store a large chunk of your money, they will promise that you will be called in “three to five days” to schedule an in house measurement.

Spoiler alert: They will call in 14 days.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store the benefit of the doubt on the 14 days because people do get busy, they will thank you and tell you the date to measure for the project will be three weeks out.

Spoiler alert: It will be four weeks.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business anyway because it is almost summer, and you have a child graduating from high school and you swear you will lose your mind if you have to start over now.

They promise you that once the measurements are entered your counters will be delivered in “four to six weeks.”

Spoiler alert: It will not be four to six weeks.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store the go ahead, they will call a month later. You assume they are calling to install your new counters.

No, they are just now “finalizing the order” to get started.

Apparently that long ago day, when they took a big chunk of your money, was just a practice run?

You will start to freak out just a bit because this is taking forever and nothing else can be done in the kitchen until the counters are installed.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store the go ahead, they will also tell you that the initial quote was wrong and that they need a few hundred extra to really get the project moving.

Spoiler alert: This is not happening.

Grab

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business, the professional delivery and installation driver you paid extra for will ask you, as a homeowner, to “grab an end.”

I could have sworn we paid hundreds extra at the time of order so we did not, in fact, have any ends to grab.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store delivery and installation professional a hand and “grab an end” because you aren’t monsters and let’s just get the darned counters installed already, you will find that they cut one end too short and the other too long.

And, one section doesn’t appear to even belong in your kitchen.

Spoiler alert: Don’t sob in front of the delivery professional. It hurts his feelings.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store a firm telephone call, they will take the “wrong” counters back and promise you the remake will be sent in “only three weeks.”

Spoiler alert: There is no way this is happening and you are nothing but a fool if you believe otherwise.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business, you will spend a lot of time on Pinterest trying to see if makeshift plywood countertops are trending.

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business, they will schedule the replacement counter delivery and cancel at least two more times. You will have scheduled off work to meet them each time.

Spoiler alert: Your colleagues now believe in these countertops just about as much as they believe in unicorns, but they try to remain supportive.

The happy ending?

If you give the House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store your business, you will have four botched deliveries, three suppliers, two managers involved, one refund and finally, FINALLY receive actual countertops more than 10 weeks after the due date.

The moral of this story? Buy local when it’s time for the backsplash.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

1 COMMENT

  1. You crack me up Kymberly. Never thought you of all people would fall for the “House Station Big Box warehouse/airplane hanger sized store” sales pitch. Was your husband/handyman home that day? lol I enjoy your column.

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