It’s that sweet and sappy holiday time

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hot coco and popcorn

Look — it happens every time. I know we are supposed to feel at least a modicum of sorry for the poor sap, but the truth is, he should have seen it coming.

I’m speaking, of course, of the suit-wearing city slicker who loses his fiance to the flannel-wearing fella who may or may not be Santa and who is definitely saving Christmas for his picturesque little town.

Sure we shouldn’t root for a breakup, but really though what does he expect? That’s what he gets for trying to close the library, Christmas land, or bulldoze the entire place for a development right at the holidays.

Christmas movies

It is no secret that I love sappy Christmas movies. Light, fluffy and saccharine sweet. They are a purely holiday confection. I have tried watching similarly themed programming at other seasons and been routinely appalled at how trite the plots are. Toss in a Christmas tree and a gazebo and I am all in.

Christmas in July is simply not for me. Christmas in November? That I can do. Thanks.

I know there are folks who are terribly bitter that Thanksgiving gets bookended by the joy of Christmas. I don’t see it that way at all. Thanksgiving is about joy and gratitude. Nothing makes me more grateful than remembering how it all began and who made everything I am possible.

Grateful for the sappiness

Your beliefs may vary of course. We can be grateful for that freedom too. All of this is to say that a nice pop culture, frothy Christmas movie serves as the perfect cozy backdrop for doing life in November and December with an extra dollop of cozy and sweet.

Not to mention that when the days seem short and the nights seem long, it’s nice to see some happy endings to warm the cockles of wherever it is our cockles actually are.

I actually like winter (Fight me. Snowball, anyone?). I bask in the glow of twinkle lights, love, and a Hallmark happy ending. Hint: our heroine always gets the right guy, a great job, and probably a bonus kid to boot.

No plot twists

Sappy Christmas movies are almost inevitably a few hours of eye candy wrapped up in a romantic bow. There are no plot twists. We all know the drill. There are probably adorable children. These children are often inexplicably left in the care of hapless aunts or uncles come the holidays. For all their joy and love these people are forever leaving their kids at Christmas. Or faking an engagement at Christmas.

On that note, an inordinate amount of Christmas movie folks are widows or widowers at an awfully young age. Perhaps those small-town sheriffs are too busy chasing down the true spirit of Christmas to look into what appears to be an awfully high death rate among young parents in these towns?

There is usually someone with a holiday-themed name — Holly, Noel or Joy — who needs to find or save the spirit of Christmas. I happen to know a few people with those names, and frankly, I don’t think they are pulling their weight. I have yet to see them meet cute/save the toy town in the manner that Hallmark movies demand.

Lucrative binge-watching

Now, as if the sappy season isn’t enough, some lucky spirit of Christmas present can actually earn cold hard cash for getting their Claus-a-Thon on.

CenturyLink is looking for a lover of all things Christmas — G-Rated romcoms, and too-close-to-home family dramas — to watch 24 Hallmark Christmas movies in 12 days. You heard that right. They are offering to pay someone to binge watch Christmas movies to the tune of $1,000.

One caveat: the lucky recipient of this employment opportunity must provide honest reviews of the movies. People. This is not a drill. This is my time to shine.

Look, I’m down for the job, but I don’t see how any review can be anything but it was sweet, sassy, somewhat predictable and all-too-perfect. In other words, just what we want from our holidays.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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