I would like to report a crime. You think you live in a “nice” area. Nothing much ever happens here. People claim they don’t even have to lock their doors (I always lock my doors). Then, a crime wave like this hits, and it’s hard to feel safe. I am speaking, of course, of the great wallpaper caper.
Namely, I came home to find the wallpaper on the front stair landing shredded. Tiny pieces of paper littered the foyer floor. I followed the trail of destruction up the stairs to the landing, and the gaping tears in my deep maroon paisley pattern (it’s a Victorian-era house, trust me, it looked good) told the tale. Kai Lumiere Seabolt!
Kai (aka Kai-Lu, Lewis or Zoomy Loomy) is a Maine Coon feline. He is 2.5 years old, absolutely stunning with his lush grey mane and golden eyes, and he is incorrigible.
Truly, he is just the worst. He does what he wants, when he wants, menacing human ankles and small dogs indiscriminately.
His hobbies include knocking things off vertical surfaces, getting stuck in walls and other small spaces and stealing bobbi pins and hair ties. Somewhere in this house are about four dozen hair ties squirreled away in an undisclosed location.
On the bright side, he is extremely intelligent, impeccably house trained (knock wood!) and a decent enough mouser, as far as I can tell. We tend to get one or two mice in the house annually when the weather turns. He has thus far dispatched them nicely. I think that sends a message to other mice that ours is not the place to spend the winter. At least I hope so.
Then he goes and does something like shred irreplaceable wallpaper or get himself stuck in a floor during a bathroom remodel (yes that actually happened), and I have to question his motives. He has also climbed into the dryer, numerous cabinets and, on at least one occasion, the refrigerator.
He has smashed a ceramic cat food dish into the wall, breaking it. He has also broken a framed original piece of art. The latter was discovered when we found him sitting smugly nearby. GirlWonder snapped a photo and captioned it “I would ask him if he is proud of what he has done, but the problem is I think he really is proud of himself.”
I have had mornings where he has unrolled the toilet paper, swiped a hair tie (gone forever) and earrings (thwarted), absconded with the dental floss, surfed the tile floor on a bathmat and hopped into the shower. All of this in the space of five minutes!
I swear this cat is always testing us. First, he was supposed to be GirlWonder’s cat. She showered him with affection and care. I somehow ended up the keeper of the cat box (mom life is so glamorous). I also spent hours researching the perfect pet food and treats for him. Nothing is too good for our big guy.
Kai, for his part, bonded to … Mr. Wonderful. Kai loves Mr. Wonderful with the passion of a thousand suns. He also loves GirlWonder and her Brawny Fiance (who is allergic to cats, but pays no mind and scoops Kai up every chance he gets). Yes, so charming is this cat that people who are allergic to cats cannot resist him. It’s like some sort of feline superpower.
As for me? I think he tolerates me. Barely. I get that it’s probably difficult to have any respect for someone who steals your poo with a tiny shovel. I think he feels I should know my place (Hint: my place is with the dogs, who he also does not respect).
Granted, our dogs are small at 10 and 18 pounds, respectively. Nonetheless, to a cat, an 18-pound dog with solid muscle should be at least a tad intimidating, no? No.
I have personally witnessed Kai reach out a pokey paw and nonchalantly slap and swipe Nova right on the behind. The dog then goes completely nuts, Kai leaps up on something high, and peers down as if to say “oh mere mortal, you amuse me.” Our dogs won’t even willingly pass him on the stairs for fear of attack.
All of this to say that Kai is both a blessing and a whole lot of attitude wrapped up in one utterly handsome cat. It is not lost on me that the Lord made him adorable because he knew that Kai was really going to need it. He is simply the worst but also the best.
I know he is a ball of mischief and bad intentions, but I can’t help but love him. Kai may be our household’s most wanted criminal, but he is also criminally cute.
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