This is no longer winter. This is harassment.
Through 28 days, northern Ohio has had the coldest January average out of any location in the country. As I write this, the brutal cold stretch continues unabated. In fact, Alaska’s capital, Juneau, is actually 15-25 degrees WARMER than the Buckeye State today.
I’m sure there are many of you out there who are ready to thaw out and see flowers start growing. I would be happy to not worry that my tiny dog is going to freeze solid to the porch the moment he steps outside. I have tried to get him to wear a cute little pair of boots with his fetching winter coat (like what I did there?), but so far he says “absolutely not.” He says this in dog which means he stands absolutely still and simply refuses to move. This is alternated with all four feet splaying out in different directions. I’m worried we are going to add “hip displacement” to his cold weather woes. So I carry him outside like the pampered pooch he is and he stares at me disdainfully.
I have neighbors and friends bringing calves indoors, goats in the basement and bunnies staying cozy by the fire. Our cat, meanwhile, continues to evade capture. He has multiple heated areas to hang out so I should not run afoul of the Humane Society. Nevertheless, I still spend a lot of time pleading with him to STOP PLAYING IN THE SNOW. Not because he’s not having the time of his life — he is. I’m just concerned that he’s making me look bad. I have tried bringing him back into the house and he reacts as if we have trapped him in the depths of Hades itself. He’s an outdoorsy weirdo. He loves to hang out with the goat — also in a heated barn. Our goat wears a coat. Goat in a coat is very Dr. Seuss-like if only for the rhyming phrase. I’d probably put sweaters on the birds and the squirrels if I thought they would stand for it. I hate to think of anything freezing to death because they didn’t know the Antarctic was coming to visit.
The temperatures dipped and school was canceled for a week straight (may we lift those parents in prayer in their time of need). At some point, it has to feel less like a snow day and more like a hostage situation. Snow days are still somewhat exciting and I’ve been out of school for nearly 40 years. Oh my gosh, that cannot be right can it? I need to go lay down.
Our youngest graduated nine years ago but says she still watches the school closing scroll sometimes “forever chasing that high.” She’s an attorney now so I don’t think they get snow days. BoyWonder was previously scheduled to fly to Florida for work during the big chill. We tease him about behaving like a politician fleeing his home state before a weather event. He ended up down south in what was actually unseasonably cold weather. His Florida colleagues kept apologizing for the cold snap. Meanwhile, he wore a sweatshirt, skipped the winter coat, and they thought he was crazy. It was 55 degrees in Florida and -9 degrees back home. He also didn’t get hit by a single falling, frozen iguana (it can happen) so all in all it was a great trip!
Overall, even at these deep freeze temperatures, I still love living here. It’s all I’ve ever known. Ohio is amazing, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Only half of it is corn fields, the other half is hilly and green, rivers, lakes and beautiful scenery. I enjoy rural living but am still within an hour of multiple metropolitan areas. I do sometimes wonder how our ancestors made it all the way across an ocean but then chose to stop … here. I have to believe that they chose to settle in this region sometime between May to September. It’s gorgeous then. That’s how Ohio fools ya! Our weather teaches resilience. We learn to pack a virtual luggage load of “just in case” items every time we leave the house. Snow boots, umbrella, winter gloves, shorts, flip flops and sunglasses may all be needed within the same day.
We can complain about the weather or we can wait a few minutes because it will probably change. I am trying to embrace the idea that this absolutely bitter cold will kill off a lot of stink bugs this year. Or not. I’m pretty sure I saw one on my porch this morning.
In the meantime, Alaska can reclaim their temperatures any day now. I feel I can speak for the majority when I say that we are done with this free trial.
