Alligator uprising

“A North Carolina home inspector found an 8-foot live alligator in the attic of a 3-story house.”

“Florida man attacked by alligator after hearing noise, opening front door.”

“Alligator breaks into Florida home by smashing window.”

“Large alligator found in bedroom of newly built Florida home.”

“Alligator found in hot tub of Georgia home.”

Reading these headlines I think there is one thing that is abundantly clear: we are in the midst of an alligator uprising. This cannot be a coincidence. Big reptiles are engaging in a serious conspiracy to become house pets.

Front door attack

Imagine strolling out your front door and getting bitten by an alligator. Breaking news from Daytona Beach, Florida, says that the homeowner opened his front door and casually stepped outside, as you do. Moments later, a NINE-FOOT-LONG alligator lunged at him, biting his leg and shaking it violently. As alligators do.

That is how I would die. If the nine-foot alligator attack didn’t get the job done, my sheer heart attack would take me out. The victim, eerily calm, is said to have thought it was a dog. Sir, how many nine-foot dogs are roaming your neighborhood? I would think the fact that you have stray alligators at all would significantly lessen the canine population.

Jump scare

In the same week, an inspector discovered quite the surprise during a routine home inspection in North Carolina when he stumbled upon an eight-foot-long alligator living in the third-floor attic.

I have a third floor and am afraid of bats. I cannot imagine my reaction to an alligator. I can almost promise you that I would leave a cartoon-like me-shaped hole in the wall as I ran right through it. I have been startled so bad by a possum in the yard that I almost fell over.

It is theorized that the alligator squatter must have strolled through an open door and made itself right at home. That alligator also climbed up three flights of stairs. So today I learned that alligators can easily stroll up stairs. That is a whole new fear unlocked.

The inspector also noted that it took some serious convincing to the rest of the construction crew in other areas of the house that there was, in fact, an alligator in the attic. You just know they thought he had been drinking on the job. “Sure Joe, an alligator. Yep, sure thing.”

To be fair, in this housing market that still might not be a deal breaker for some folks. “3 bedrooms, 2 baths, one attic gator needing TLC, Make offer!”

Sweet deal

I feel like alligators are just trying to get in on the same sweet deal that dogs and cats have enjoyed for generations. Regular meals, safe places to sleep, cute little outfits. Can you just imagine trying to put a walking harness on an alligator? Now imagine a darling Christmas sweater.

“This is our guard gator; his name is Skipper. How fast can you run?” You nail up an “Alligator at Large” sign and suddenly the neighbor’s guard dog seems like a non-issue. Granted, you’re also never getting another Amazon package delivered but tradeoffs are to be expected.

Finally, from a few years ago this headline popped up: “Children from a church group were playing in a creek in West Alexandria, Ohio, when one of their leaders spotted a seven-foot-long crocodile swimming nearby.” It is surmised that it was a pet that was released into the wild. First of all DO NOT DO THAT. Secondly, this proves my point. They aspire to be PETS.

I live in Ohio, and I love Ohio and one of the reasons is because I feel like the members of the natural world who are actively trying to kill me aren’t terribly high. Sure we have a few suspicious spiders and snakes but even our bears are pretty timid and small. Knock wood!

Now I have to worry that the alligators are slowly making their way our way? I’m not saying the chances of being mauled by a porch gator in Ohio are high, but apparently, they are never entirely zero.