Deliver me

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coffee and computer

It is no secret that as I have two shopping styles — extreme local (best found within a 5-mile radius of our home) or online: best arrive on my porch in a box. Preferably within two days.

My first choice is always to buy local. I’ve gotten it down to a science with a meat market, multiple farm markets, hardware store and even farm fresh milk all readily available to me within a 10-mile circuit.

This is an impressive array of choices considering I happily reside in rural Appalachia.

Within ten miles I can also find services such as shoe repair (used them just last week), an Amish bakery, deli, and a local diner and coffee shop, respectively.

So now that we have confirmed that I actually reside in the 1950s, it is important to note that despite my love of local, sometimes we just have to order things. That is where home delivery services come in.

It used to be I had to decide we wanted or needed something, log on to shop for it, and arrange payment and shipping and so on. Sometimes it took a handful of clicks. Grueling really.

I can now decide that I want things to be sent to me in predetermined portions at set intervals and never have to think about shopping for toothpaste, cat food, or hypoallergenic moisturizer made entirely out of fairy wings and pixie dust again. This is progress.

Groceries

We all know food is easily obtained. Pizza delivery is certainly nothing new. What is a fresher idea is having recipe ingredients delivered that you can then cook yourself.

My mother is enjoying a home meal service where they send her all the ingredients and step by step recipes for her to complete impressive dinners.

For a small subscription price the woman who raised me on canned soup and hot dogs is now, in her own words, “drizzling, mincing, and caramelizing like never before.”

She told me about it and I dutifully signed up for a free trial. It’s interesting to get brown grocery bags dropped off on the porch containing all the ingredients needed for a certain menu.

We have enjoyed a few dishes that expanded our repertoire beyond “taco night” and “roast beef” nicely.

That said you certainly can shop for the ingredients for these meals yourself far more cheaply. If you would like to do that and pack and deliver it to those of us who don’t have the time or desire to make an hour trip to the grocery store (raises hand) — please do.

Since Big Brother realized I had tried a home meal delivery, my online feed is now chock full of ads for every subscription service under the sun!

Coffee, vitamins, endless meal deliveries, athletic wear, you name it, it can be subscribed to and delivered!

Clearly, Facebook has put me squarely in the “hermit” demographic.

Outside

Now, if you ever do decide to leave the house, did you know that snow ski and surf equipment can be delivered?

This seems odd since it is “outdoorsy” and hiding indoors refusing to even shop for sporting goods seems decidedly “indoorsy.”

Still, it’s a thing. You can also order a vehicle — whether just a ride (think Uber or Lyft) or an actual automobile ordered, paid for (with good credit) and delivered right to your door.

No word on whether the delivery service has to “talk to the manager” first.

For less athletic entertainment we could subscribe to a monthly murder mystery subscription. The service sends clues in the mail and we try to solve the murder. Of course, that could also seem creepily like a how-to course.

We can also have bras sent via subscription. This begs the question of how many of those one woman needs, but who am I to judge?

Furnace filters are available via subscription. This would be a handy subscription to have. My furnace doesn’t need them but people who use them say they are the devil to remember to buy.

Ditto cat litter, printer ink, toilet paper, and virtually anything you could need for home or office.

What a world friends! With just a bank card and an internet connection, you may never have to traverse the Mega Mart aisles again.

Finally, you can have an entire HOUSE delivered to your house!

According to the Today show, Amazon is rolling out the ability to order a fully furnished “tiny house.”

The 320-square-foot residence is made from a new shipping container and features a bedroom, bathroom, kitchenette and living area.

Of course, if we subscribe to everything under the sun (and indoors) online, we are going to run out of money and end up living in a plain old cardboard box.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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