Safe shopping

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Recently a grown man, who presumably should know better, made news when he accidentally ordered a peacock and a pig, respectively.

He is quoted as explaining that “in the early hours of yesterday morning when I was drunk, I clicked on Taobao and started shopping and all along I thought I had only bought two sets of clothes,” the unnamed man wrote Monday on WeChat.

“I suddenly remembered to look up the delivery date of my clothes, and realized I had also bought a pig and a peacock,” Newsweek reported.

As you do friends. As you do. Who hasn’t been shopping online and suddenly found themselves a killer deal on a peacock?

Granted we have peacocks show up in our yard as a matter of course, but I understand people who live in more “normal” neighborhoods have to make an effort. Why pay full price for unwanted wildlife?

Challenge

It is no secret that I love online shopping. This is never more apparent than when shopping for Christmas gifts.

I enjoy making my list, checking it twice, adding any online promo codes, and clicking to order. Then in anywhere from 15 minutes to a week, the item is on my porch.

This is especially useful if, like me, you are fundamentally lazy and don’t want to carry anything heavy home.

Apologies to U.P.S. and the United States Postal Service as I routinely have heavy things like kitty litter, dog food, and window unit air conditioners delivered directly to me.

The U.P.S. truck is kind of like the adult version of an ice cream truck. When it drives by, I want to chase it down and see what goodies there might be for me.

Mr. Wonderful recently upgraded our home to a larger mailbox. This was for the benefit of the nice mail delivery people, but it only encourages me.

“What can I have delivered?” is kind of a game with me.

I routinely try to see what oddball item can be dropped off here even from just across the village.

My Christmas tree should be here Tuesday.

Local

Of course, I still shop local for food, hardware, and anything particularly charming or unique. Sometimes, however, you just need a foot file, fancy face creams not available in stores and sure to save 100 years off your age, and a mail-order pig.

As Black Friday dawned — having actually started on Thanksgiving Thursday — I didn’t have much in mind to shop for.

Still, I checked out the ads to make sure I wasn’t missing the deal of a lifetime on something we didn’t need.

In browsing the Christmas ads, I didn’t find joy, contentment, or gratitude on sale anywhere. Just goes to show that even in a world where you can accidentally order a peacock when it comes to the really meaningful gifts, you’ll just have to craft those yourself.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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