Toilet paper wars

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toilet paper
I have just returned from the toilet paper wars. My side is losing.
In the beginning, I gave little thought to the care and keeping of bathroom tissue, aka toilet paper. Then we adopted the most handsome cat in the world. Or he adopted us. His name is Kai and he is quite possibly the most confident cat in the world. His name has not been changed to protect the innocent  Frankly, he is anything but.
Let me state for the record that Kai is gorgeous. This is not an accident. I am convinced that the good Lord made him so darned attractive because He knew Kai was going to need a lot of forgiveness. Kai was snagged as a foundling out of the ceiling of a baseball concession. We really don’t know his DNA. What we do know is that there is no doubt he is a big dollop of Maine Coone mixed with … unruly frat boy maybe?

Kai is a kleptomaniac

The theft of unattended items is kind of his jam. USB sticks containing important documents? Kai’s. Earrings, rings, sentimental items? Also Kai’s. Cash, coin, Qtips? Ditto. Hair ties? Oh he loves a good hair tie. I haven’t had a decent ponytail in a month.

Back to the battle of the bathroom tissue. I don’t know what my family’s challenge is when it comes to toilet paper. I really don’t. They either don’t put the toilet paper back on the roll (humans). Or they pull it all off and shred it in a fluffy mound on the floor (Kai). At least I think the latter is Kai’s doing  If not I have much bigger issues with a  human who lives here.

This level of commitment to shredding may have been adorable pre Pandemic. Once the great toilet tissue embargo of 2020 began – this willful waste was an act of domestic terrorism. Toilet Paper doesn’t grow on trees! Or maybe it does? I’m iffy on the source of bathroom tissue, honestly.

After two decades exhorting the family to “For the love of all that is good and Holy place the toilet paper ON THE ROLL!!!” It took Kai three months of daily destruction to change my tune. “NEVER PUT THE TISSUE ON THE ROLL!  Are you NEW HERE?” We are not toilet tissue barons. We have a budget people! Hide the good stuff.

This is how I became a person who has an entire  basket of toilet tissue on a stand. This is my attempt to thwart Kai’s commitment to havoc and still have it handy for guests. It was this or hang it really high on the wall and not all our guests are tall. My mom is maybe 5’4″ She would never reach it.

Most mornings he meets me in the bathroom first thing in the morning. He has to get up pretty early to hide all the hair ties and swipe unattended toothbrushes off the counter, after all. Once he has menaced all the toiletries he hops in the tub. We are careful to keep it cleaned out for his safety but hope springs eternal that he might find something fun to damage.

Kai thinks bathtubs are fascinating. We think he removed the overflow cover. By removed I mean “broke.” I thought Mr. Wonderful had taken it off for some reason. He assumed I had. When the truth came out we said, in unison, “Kai!” Kai, for his part, stretched languidly, blinked his liquid gold eyes, and remained unphased.

Get a Maine Coone

They will teach you all you need to know about Zen and the art of not caring one whit about rules.

I am used to a measure of respect. I am a cool enough person. I am also the Queen of the strongly-worded rebuke. I have tried this with him to no avail. Kai remains unimpressed. He’s lucky he’s gorgeous  — and that toilet paper is plentiful again.

Tissue mountain has become our thing. Every morning I wake up to a fluffy pile of multi-ply premium toilet tissue and a cat who feels absolutely not one shred of remorse.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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