I miss the Halloween tricks, treats

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jack-o-lantern

I’ve always had a soft spot for Halloween. The magic and make-believe. The spooky suspense. The chills and thrills of my children who insisted, year after year, into trying to turn me into the “crafty” mom I had never shown any propensity to be.

Nonetheless, I made mummy costumes, a human cupcake, and a very good Medusa if I do say so myself. It’s all about the plastic snakes with that one.

My costumes were never meant for longevity. Instead, they unraveled as the night went on. Handy, since I never had to worry much about storing one.

Over the years I happily baked spooky spider cupcakes and hung paper bats from the ceiling. The latter seemed like overkill in a house with actual bats. On the whole, the paper ones are much cuter up close.

Melting act

Year after year, we carved jack-o’-lanterns too early out of sheer excitement. We then watched them melt into a mold-dotted pile of ooze and goo when Indian Summer came back with a vengeance. Heat is the enemy of the jack-o’-lantern genre.

All was not lost, however. Years later, we harvest accidental pumpkin crops from the remains of those old seeds. The only way I can grow a crop of anything is by completely ignoring it and neglecting to weed.

I’m not gonna lie. I also like candy. If I went through the hassle of hot gluing my fingers together to make a costume (I cannot sew a stitch y’all) and hauling you around town, then you better believe I am taking a mini Snickers bar and probably a couple of Reeses, too. Candy tax is real.

Now I don’t have any reason to bake spooky spider cupcakes. “It’s not that kind of party, mom.”

So Boywonder wants a little help with his Halloween costume. His sister and her friend quickly cooked up a good idea for a tall handsome young man with good hair. He’s going as a “greaser” — or at least the Pinterest version of this 1950s stalwart. Think James Dean.

This entailed nothing more than a white tee, black leather jacket and a little more hair product than he is used to. All in all a pretty easy costume and one that works for his age since he is going on a college party pub crawl. It is important that he look good. For this costume, good hair and a cool leather jacket mean no part of this get-up will inhibit his ability to chat up the ladies, naturally.

I tried to interest him in one of his old costumes. It included a giant plastic head. He was not interested. No idea why. It’s a mystery, right?

Corny

GirlWonder has not indicated if she will be dressing up this year. She used to be my cupcake or Medusa. Now for the college age, it seems all the costume opportunities invoke the word “sexy.” One cannot just be a witch, nurse, or kitty. Adult female costumes are all “Sexy Witch,” “Sexy Nurse,” or “Sexy Kitty.”

Trying to keep it tame is virtually impossible when everything up to and including produce is made in the vixen vein.

Yes, friends, there is indeed a “Sexy Corn” costume. For all those farmers out there, I guess?

Gone are the days when I wrote about my 8-year-old son taking my hand as we crossed the street while trick or treating. Now he basically tucks me in at 9 p.m. and heads out into the world to have his college-age-appropriate fun.

Halloween crafts have been replaced with craft brews. The candy tax still stands but, alas, there is no candy in the bag this year.

No word on whether I’m getting a share of his beer.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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