Peacock, party of two?

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peacock

One of the main things people ask me, upon learning that I’m a writer, is “how do you find things to write about?”

My answer has always been and will continue to be, how do you not?

Example: There I was last night minding my own business when Boywonder called from the driveway, “Mom, there’s a peacock out here.”

Sure there is son. Sure there is. Crazy kid.

We had to get up and look because, hello? Peacock in the driveway?

Nothing on Netflix is quite that compelling. Except maybe Pretty Little Liars. That show is the bomb. I digress…

Boywonder was not wrong. There certainly was a peacock in the driveway. A gorgeous shade of blue-green with fabulous plumage.

It strutted across the backyard like it owned the place. So this was…interesting.

Native peacock?

I’m no expert on peacocks or birds of any type but I’m pretty sure they aren’t indigenous to our region.

Ohio has a lot to offer. Peacocks are not (usually) one of those things. Just to be sure I consulted an expert — Google.

Accordingly, I learned, “The blue peacock lives in India and Sri Lanka, while the green peacock is found in Java and Burma. A more distinct and little-known species, the Congo peacock, inhabits African rainforests.”

Not a single mention of the Midwest. This is why I don’t trust nature.

Nature never gets the memo to stay where the Lord placed them. Bats and mice which should be outdoors end up in.

Bears and skunks don’t realize they are supposed to be “more afraid of us than we are of them.” Geese are pretty but mean as snakes. Snakes meanwhile aren’t usually all that mean? Who can keep up?

Not me. I was picking out lip gloss colors during natural history class. I promise you that.

Attack dogs

All I know is that I was minding my own business and this peacock showed up to harass me. Our dogs went nuts.

According to further research (thank you internet, so this may or may not be true) “their main predators are tigers, leopards, mongoose.“

No mention of the mighty Shih Tzu or Jack Russell Terriers. Our dogs, however, remained fiercely vigilant.

The kids were running around the yard like we know a thing about herding peacocks. You apparently cannot just call a peacock to come to you.

Well maybe you can but I certainly cannot. That peacock swerved me so hard it practically held up a “whatever” hand (foot?). It was not interested in being friends and most certainly did want more space.

Fowl facts

I can’t figure out how one shoos a peacock home. Remember, the things I know about peacocks = nothing.

Girlwonder posted a “Found Peacock” video on social media and within minutes I was being warned, repeatedly, that peacocks are big ol’ jerks!

My new internet masters degree in Peacocks led me to believe that “they are omnivores and will eat both plants and animals.” Fantastic.

More fascinating fowl facts: “They are one of the largest flying birds. Their length (including tail) can reach five feet. They can weigh between 8-13 pounds.”

Did I mention I have a tiny nine-pound dog? He’s cute and golden. He even looks like a loaf of bread.

Apparently, peacock attacks are on the rise. Commence panic now! Save Jack!

So now I have what I’m led to believe is the equivalent of a land shark roaming my backyard. This right here is why I am indoorsy.

You know what never turns on you and tries to peck your eyes out? A remote control, that’s what.

Peacock party

Update: the children have informed me that there may actually be two peacocks. They saw another, similar size bird, in a tree.

Of course, there would be. Fortunately, my research informs us that a group of peafowl is called a “party” because of course, it is.

Leave it to us to be the peacock party house. I did not sign off on this!

Will they keep multiplying? What is the gestation period for peacocks? I feel like I’m going to wake up to an entire herd of peacocks.

Will we be giving them away the way other people pawn off an excess zucchini crop on unsuspecting friends?

“Male peafowl is called peacock while female is called peahen.” The male is the more colorful of the two.

This one was particularly bright and vibrant so that doesn’t bode well for it finding its way home.

It appears to be a male so it probably won’t stop to ask for directions.

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Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Kymberly Foster Seabolt is a native of Kent, Ohio, who survived childhood exposure to disco and grew up to marry and move to the country. Her column weaves her special brand of humor with poignant, entertaining, and honest portrayals of parenting, marriage, and real life. She currently lives in northeastern Ohio with her husband, two children, two dogs, two cats, and numerous dust bunnies who wish to remain nameless.

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