So it’s been a weird week and as I write this, it’s only Thursday. First the Louvre was robbed in broad daylight. Then the Amazon Web Service that we now know powers almost everything under the sun went down and took most of the internet with it.
Rob
First, the heist. Authorities report that it took seven minutes to rob the Louvre. I’ve spent longer trying to find the end of a roll of packing tape. Ditto folding a fitted sheet.
I’m tempted to set a timer for every seven minutes, and when it goes off, I ask myself, “What have you accomplished in the time it took for them to rob the Louvre of priceless jewels?” This is how I will be measuring time for the foreseeable future. For example, I’ve been sitting in a recliner for roughly two jewel heists just trying to get motivated to start dinner.
The thieves were brazen. Hiding in plain sight. They wore high-visibility vests to appear official. Apparently, a reflective vest and a clipboard are the passports to almost anywhere. Better yet, they also fumbled a priceless crown that tumbled to the pavement as they zoomed away while escaping on motor scooters. It’s so cute, it’s like a heist coordinated by the Disney Channel. It’s definitely a case for Carmen Santiago.
If that wasn’t enough excitement, on Monday, a vast swath of the “world wide web” (aka the internet) was unavailable when it turned out that “world wide” actually meant “housed in Amazon servers.” It was eye-opening to realize that one monolith literally CONTROLS the information superhighway; moreover, the cameras and gadgets that we believe are “serving” us. In a nutshell, people woke up to alarms and home security devices blaring, lights flashing, or, alternately, they couldn’t turn on the lights at all because “Amazon Web Services” was down. Gee, if only Ray Bradbury had prepared us for this possibility with several short stories …
Smart
I was super-excited about “smart” gadgets when they came out about 10 years ago, and got a bunch of Google Home devices and smart bulbs, switches, etc. I’m still a big fan of smart bulbs. There is a sense of security in having lights on timers to effortlessly turn on and off. I even have some areas of this old house where the ability to TELL the light to turn on and off allowed us to forego rewiring an entire three-way switch. It’s a special quirk of homes built when electricity was “new-fangled” to have exactly one switch to operate an entire floor — and place it in the furthest point of whatever you actually need to turn on. I suspect they were scared of electricity, honestly. Accordingly, the switch for the entire kitchen wing, for example, it’s by the back door. You have to traipse through the entire dark space to find it. Sure, we can all do it in the dark, literally, but guests find it weird. I’ve gotten so used to yelling “Google, turn on the kitchen lights” that I don’t even think about it. Then, the Sengled brand smart bulbs stopped working properly, and I received a notification that some of the smart bulbs are “no longer supported” and are being phased out. I’m so annoyed. These bulbs are price,y but it’s not even the initial cost that is so irksome. It’s the aggravation of resetting new hardware all the time. Picture me waving my phone around wildly, “The connection is RIGHT HERE!” as I beg a lightbulb to go online.
Honestly I just spent $40 on four bulbs. At $10 per bulb I expect more than a 9 month lifespan? Now they are phased out? How can they not have some sort of warranty? Yes, I realize I just said “light bulb warranty” with a straight face. Now I feel silly. It’s probably time to spend at least the equivalent of two to three Louvre heists thinking about how ridiculous this all really is.
